Las Locuras de Cuba

 Cuba is a crazy, weird country. There’s so much about this place that defies logic that it’s hard to convey what it all means sometimes. That said, I thought I would attempt it anyway, with a list of some of the most incomprehensible things about this place.

1. In Cuba, killing a cow often carries a heavier punishment than killing a person. After the Revolution, the state guaranteed that every child under the age of seven would have access to a steady supply of milk. After seven, the supply is cut off and your average Cuban drinks only powdered milk. That supply of milk is apparently worth more than human life. The penalty for killing a person is usually a mere eleven to fifteen years, whereas the penalty for killing a cow is anywhere from fifteen to twenty. To be caught selling beef carries a penalty almost as heavy. There is no beef in Cuba. All of this leads me to the question: Why don’t they just buy more damn cows?
2. In Cuba, there is an entire generation of people marked by names beginning with the letter ‘Y’. Beginning in the mid-1970s, parents paid homage to Russia by giving their children names that sounded Russian. Apparently this involved the letter ‘Y’. So far I’ve met a Yoanka, a Yoannis, and a Yalaina, but my favorite (by far) is my friend Youdorkis, who counts among his extended family: Yonnel ,Yanorkis, Yamilia, Yoelvis, Yamilka, Yamileidis, and Yaniuski. I’m dead serious.
3.  In Cuba, it’s possible to get an advanced degree in computer programming and yet the average person doesn’t have internet access. What does it mean to have a master’s degree in computer programming when you’re working with technology that’s already outdated by ten to twenty years?
4. The lack of connection with the outside world carries over into other areas as well. Some Cubans have contacts outside the country, and thus they have some idea of how far the rest of the world has progressed without them, but others have no idea. Some people are shocked when you explain to them the concept of 4G, for example: that we have internet access anywhere, any time. The other day a Cuban woman asked my American friend how many flavors of ice cream there are in the United States. How do you even answer that question
5. There are two different currencies in Cuba: moneda nacional for Cubans and Cuban Convertibles (CUC) for foreigners. The CUC is pegged to the US$, which makes zero sense. If you change US$ here, you have to pay a tax of 10% to the Cuban government that you don't pay when you change other currencies. There are 25 moneda nacional to one CUC. Admission to museums, for example, is the same in nacional as it is in CUC: 5 nacionales for locals vs 5 CUC for foreigners. 
6. In Cuba, the average salary is roughly $18 CUC/month. The minimum is $10. The other day I went to buy canned corn in the grocery store, and the price was $7 CUC for 3 small cans. A t-shirt costs between $10-$15 CUC. Imagine working a month just to buy a t-shirt. Canned corn is out of the question.
7. During the special period, after the fall of the Soviet Union, life was so hard in Cuba that people couldn’t afford shoes. Many people took to making their own sandals out of old rubber tires and pieces of rope. In Guantánamo they called them chupamiao. (For the record, miao means urine). Strips of rubber from old tires were also used in place of elastic, to hold up people’s pants.
8. Havana is constantly in a state of flux. Since the government opened the door to private enterprise, businesses have sprung up all over the city. Massive restoration projects are happening everywhere, but one wonders where the money comes from. Many of the large hotels are owned jointly between Cubans and foreign investors, and money flows in from abroad. However, the biggest restoration projects are run by the state and they are all centered in Habana Vieja, which is the tourist hub. The restoration of Habana Vieja is managed by the official historian of the city, a man by the name of Eusebio Leal, who is an infamous figure around Havana. And yet no one really knows where his money comes from, or the money that is paying for state-run projects that are scheduled to last for five to ten years. I feel like I can come back here in two years and find a totally different place. Nothing is ever static. For the record, the rest of Havana is literally crumbling to the ground. After a heavy rainfall, you have to constantly be on guard for chunks of concrete that fall from above. The state is doing nothing to prevent this.
9. For a supposedly communist country, a powerful capitalist impulse drives everything in this country. Every Cuban is a hustler, and they hustle because they have to. They’ll do anything to earn a buck. Many of them do it illegally, usually through prostitution or by scamming tourists, but the rest all hustle legally. I’m constantly amazed by the ingenuity of Cubans and their ability to make something out of nothing. But seriously: everyone is trying to make a buck. Viva la Revolución comunista!